Side-note: I spent last friday watching a 5 hour bowl resection surgery and it was so wild....
First of all the patient was spread out on the table with his feet together and his arms out to the side in a T shaped position and I couldnt help but think "this fool looks like jesus up on the cross." i dont know why, but the strangest thoughts freaking go through my mind. Anyways, something hit me like wow this surgeon is literally taking out bits and pieces of this person to try and make him whole again...make him better. The whole concept of it is just so strange. Its a common view that surgeons have a god-complex and are arrogant as shizz (think Kanye West with a scalpel). Honestly, I'm glad that these fools are cocky about their capabilities...I mean I wouldn't want someone who is unsure of himself to be cutting into me second guessing his next incision. The surgeon took out a whole segment of a small diseased small intestine out of the patient. Anyways....that was off topic, but like how many of us have our own personal diseases/struggles we just let sit and fester inside of us cuz were too afraid to make the first incision. We're scared the that the outcome or the healing process will be too painful or we won't be able to cope and so we just let things be. Effff that. If I have a problem then I gotta be willing and strong enough to try and change it. I honestly wasn't raised to be a lil biaaaa so I gotta learn to get over myself.
Lately I've been spending more time being alone, trying to revert back to my hermit roots. It feels good to have some time to create some structure for myself without having someone else constantly in my head causing a distraction. For the past few months I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to be more social and maintain some sort of balance. The thing is that I've became too much of a social damn little butterfly that I kind of put the necessary things on the back burner. I've been thinking about it for a while...silence is highly underrated. Guess thats why some folks meditate trying to reach that kind of silence that helps them obtain that equilibrium.
I've decided that its in my power to try and be the better version of myself. Some people usually set ambitions or goals to impress other people or make others think that they're worth something like I gotta do this to make myself look better to my parents or my girlfriend/boyfriend or I gotta be this way to impress my friends. Eff that man, I want a set a new bar for myself for some self-gratification that I'm not down with letting myself be mediocre. I mean I'm in no way conceited and I'm highly aware of my limitations: sometimes I'm freaking insecure as shizz and i'm unsure of what I'm doing and if im moving myself in the right direction; sometimes I don't get shit right away and I have to work harder when I study, sometimes my insane antics are way to ridiculous for my own good... I get that, I acknowledge it, I accept it, and then I move to push past my limitations. Boundaries are only set so I can break them and become better than I already am. The fact is that I want this so badly to say I did it and accomplished something worth doing. I want this for myself.
Ambitions UP, distractions DOWN, and remember that being humble should always be constant medium. Its time to put in some work.
