LIFE....cuz sometimes I think its a fucking trip

Dear 25,

You're not as scary and as intimidating as I thought you would be now that I have finally met you. For some odd reason my mind had created this ideal concept about you, but in reality you really could never have lived up to any of my ridiculous expectations or high standards that I have set. In a way, you were the Galatea to my Pygmalion (and if whoever actually read this rubbish has no idea what the fuck I'm talking about then google that shit).

I'm not entirely sure how I've developed into this 4 foot 11 inch small asian girl with insane ideas and weird mannerisms who is rather blunt with her opinions like I don't give a flying fuck. Its rather amusing... looking back at a span of time trying to figure out the exact moment a change started to occur. What was it that set me off into this journey of becoming this rather different being? And its this examination of self that has me wondering If I've even like who I've become. Back then I used to be this really shy and reserved wittle little asian girl who kinda of ran around town with this idea that the world wasn't a bad place. Unconditional love for another person existed. Your family was always going to be happy. Real problems never occurred. Poprocks were meant to be eaten for breakfast. If you lived life with the best intentions then here was really no way you'd ever get done dirty. Back then I used to be 85% optimistic and 15% bubbly as fuck up to the point that even I gave myself a headache being all in love with life and a bit naive.

its a trip. the sum of my experiences and the way I've responded to them that brought on this change. I sort of wish I could revert back cuz sometimes I fucking miss that girl. Resiliency is such a weird ass thing man cuz when the ball drops I never bounce back to where I originally was: sometimes it lands higher and sometimes much lower. Sometimes I gotta close my eyes and just hope Ill be happy with which ever place I land.

anywaysss. don't ask me what the fuck I've been writing about my shits way beyond ridiculous to the point that its like damn...no wonder fools be thinking I'm high all the time like I'm on some massive stoner trip when really I'm just like this normally. peace to the middle east love.

25. another year. If i was a black male I would of out lived the status-quo on life expectancy and therefore spent my night drinking henny, eating fried chicken, and celebrating life by throwing up my middle FINGER. Since I'm not i guess ill spend my birthday doing homework. fuck me. hahahahahaaha.

PURPOSEFUL SELF-SABOTAGE: THE MAKINGS OF A SPINSITER IN TRAINING

Okay so I got myself into a sticky situation that I honestly never should of been in in the first place, but alas I have shitty impulse issues up the freakin ying-yang and well....shit happened.

It's not that I regretted it cuz I mean it was good for what it was, but if the situation played out like it did for the last 5 months it would of never have ended cuz well lets see my last situation lasted for 4 years and the little ones in between that one went on for 1 to 2 years. Lets just say that I am that good at keeping people's interest level at an all time high.

But honestly shit had to end cuz im getting way to grown to be running my same game...So what do you do? Do I A) keep approaching it the same way hoping that it would fizzle naturally by its self?!? (sike...it never did even when both people agreed to it) or B) Do I on purpose act like a Crazy ass emotional bitch so the fool would stop talking to me?!!? yuppppp....who here thinks I went with option B? cuz well I did. I made an executive decision to act like i had a vagina. The insane thing is I knew how to do it to because I've had years of experience observing other girls being crazy. I was unnerved at the fact that I was pretty damn good at 1) bitching someone out and 2) acting like a needy ass biaaa.

I am, however, none of those things..thank you very much. Let's face it. I'm jaded as a muther fuckkka and I ownnn it. It works for me.

My reasoning for pulling this move is because honestly if i was a guy the only thing that would deter me from wanting something would be the combination of 1 and 2. No matter how attracted I am to a person if I knew that fool was crazy I'd be calling out NExxxxT faster than twista rapping about hoes and money.

The weird thing is...I never really felt bad or regretted self-sabotaging myself on purpose. Like do I apologize? or say something like Hey I acted like a nut job so that you'd stop talking to me and I was hoping that we'd just be friends eventually after you got over thinking I was a crazy when really I'm a pretty dope ass person. yeahh i dont think one can really bounce back from that one. haha. ohhshizzleeeeee. I mean i guess you do what you gotta do. It's probably for the best.