Killin em softly: a bit of this and a bit of that.

Lately I've been trying to live my life a bit differently. I hate when I realized that I've somehow become one of those jaded people who are too fazed by the monotonous daily trials and tribulations of life. Like for reals I just wanna be in awe of the simple things that happen on the daily. Its just a matter of a minor change in perspective honestly so I've reached this conclusion: I'm going to approach my life like I'm a traveler visiting a strange and foreign land who sees everything as new and exciting cuz the stay is temporary so I'm gonna try to soak up in every experience I'm come across and enjoy it to its fullest. If you think about it Life is just temporary so I gotta learn to appreciate it. Some say its not a party if it happens every time, but maybe thats just a pessimistic's way of just down playing the little things that could very well become a magnificent event if I let it.

Side-note: I spent last friday watching a 5 hour bowl resection surgery and it was so wild....
First of all the patient was spread out on the table with his feet together and his arms out to the side in a T shaped position and I couldnt help but think "this fool looks like jesus up on the cross." i dont know why, but the strangest thoughts freaking go through my mind. Anyways, something hit me like wow this surgeon is literally taking out bits and pieces of this person to try and make him whole again...make him better. The whole concept of it is just so strange. Its a common view that surgeons have a god-complex and are arrogant as shizz (think Kanye West with a scalpel). Honestly, I'm glad that these fools are cocky about their capabilities...I mean I wouldn't want someone who is unsure of himself to be cutting into me second guessing his next incision. The surgeon took out a whole segment of a small diseased small intestine out of the patient. Anyways....that was off topic, but like how many of us have our own personal diseases/struggles we just let sit and fester inside of us cuz were too afraid to make the first incision. We're scared the that the outcome or the healing process will be too painful or we won't be able to cope and so we just let things be. Effff that. If I have a problem then I gotta be willing and strong enough to try and change it. I honestly wasn't raised to be a lil biaaaa so I gotta learn to get over myself.

Lately I've been spending more time being alone, trying to revert back to my hermit roots. It feels good to have some time to create some structure for myself without having someone else constantly in my head causing a distraction. For the past few months I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to be more social and maintain some sort of balance. The thing is that I've became too much of a social damn little butterfly that I kind of put the necessary things on the back burner. I've been thinking about it for a while...silence is highly underrated. Guess thats why some folks meditate trying to reach that kind of silence that helps them obtain that equilibrium.

I've decided that its in my power to try and be the better version of myself. Some people usually set ambitions or goals to impress other people or make others think that they're worth something like I gotta do this to make myself look better to my parents or my girlfriend/boyfriend or I gotta be this way to impress my friends. Eff that man, I want a set a new bar for myself for some self-gratification that I'm not down with letting myself be mediocre. I mean I'm in no way conceited and I'm highly aware of my limitations: sometimes I'm freaking insecure as shizz and i'm unsure of what I'm doing and if im moving myself in the right direction; sometimes I don't get shit right away and I have to work harder when I study, sometimes my insane antics are way to ridiculous for my own good... I get that, I acknowledge it, I accept it, and then I move to push past my limitations. Boundaries are only set so I can break them and become better than I already am. The fact is that I want this so badly to say I did it and accomplished something worth doing. I want this for myself.

Ambitions UP, distractions DOWN, and remember that being humble should always be constant medium. Its time to put in some work.

THE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN BOYS AND WORKING OUT. THE LOTUS EDITION.

SO DAMN SORE.

FOR REALS....

and its not like I spent an hour and a half doing the damn thing. It was like a 50 minute warm up and then 20 minutes tops of a hard struggle: muscles burning, heavy breathing, that weird thrusting motion that you know feels awkward and so in the back of my head I'm like "damnn i must look awkward as eff."

CROSS-FIT. CROSS-FIT. CROSS-FIT. CROSS-FIT. CROSS-FIT. CROSS-FIT. CROSS-FIT.

what else did you think I was writing about? I keeps it PG-13 player so get your mind out of the gutter. hahaahaha. ANYWAYS, I've always had this obsession with working out and I feel i maybe in an ultimate inevitable relapse since I've managed to stray away from it since I've moved to portland. Physical activities is like my only real vice and usually it would be a good thing except i think any thing in excess is no bueno. moderation is key to life or else you either burn your shit out or have no appreciation for it. Immediately after cross-fit i had this urge to go to the gym to do an hour of cardio, but i stopped mid-impulse and went home instead...YAY ME.

its funny how i can actually relate my impulsiveness with working out and compare it to almost every single love-hate NON-RELATIONSHIP i've ever had with a guy. It never fails that I usually have some sort of contempt or dislike for the guy in the beginning cuz I feel that theyre 1) superficial douchesss or 2) non-legit human beings that think theyre gods gift to women or 3) lack any personality or substance worth sticking around for (And why yes I am very highly critical of the male race when it comes to the likes cuz if you don't have high standards well then you kinda go for any tom, dick, and harry that comes walking your way and lets face it...a girl can always do better 67% of the time hahah jk jk jk jk jk. just jokes I'm really not that much of a Biaa but I'm just saying). Anyways the reason why my non-relationships are similar to exercising is because the first time I come back from a stint of being a motivational slacker-bonafide-cinnabon-marathon-chubby-kid-holy-shit-did-she-really-just-eat-five-plates-of-food ride or die biaaa its such an effing struggle man. Like my body and my heart just don't want to do it at all and everything is fighting to just revert back to being a fatty. Take today at cross fit there was a moment where i just wanted to say EFF this. Eff your mom. eff your dog. Much like in the beginning of things when I start out a situation with an el doucho (thats spanish for the douche) like I'm totally not into it and yet for some reason I'm in it. Then there came a point in the middle of feeling like 1. I'm doing it all wrong 2. my positioning is all off 3. wtf why can't i keep up with the 50 year old man next to me that this epiphany hits like alright NOW ITs A MUTHHA FUCKING CHALLENGE. its onnn i am now going to make cross-fit my biaaaa and no, its not like i approach every douche the same way and I'm like "okay now I'm going to make you my biaaa and watch me worrrrk this." but the philosophy behind the two are very much the same. hahaha.

The philosophy being the following: "EFF YOUUU. WATCH ME DO THE DAMN THING CUZ IM ABOUT TO WORK IT" *Fingeeer snaps, hair twirls, booty bounce. (said in the voice of a ghetto black girl with hood attitude)

word. anyways none of that made sense but whatever. its not like anyone ever reads this thing. hahaha. and if someone actually does then my bad man Im weird. get over it.

LIFE....cuz sometimes I think its a fucking trip

Dear 25,

You're not as scary and as intimidating as I thought you would be now that I have finally met you. For some odd reason my mind had created this ideal concept about you, but in reality you really could never have lived up to any of my ridiculous expectations or high standards that I have set. In a way, you were the Galatea to my Pygmalion (and if whoever actually read this rubbish has no idea what the fuck I'm talking about then google that shit).

I'm not entirely sure how I've developed into this 4 foot 11 inch small asian girl with insane ideas and weird mannerisms who is rather blunt with her opinions like I don't give a flying fuck. Its rather amusing... looking back at a span of time trying to figure out the exact moment a change started to occur. What was it that set me off into this journey of becoming this rather different being? And its this examination of self that has me wondering If I've even like who I've become. Back then I used to be this really shy and reserved wittle little asian girl who kinda of ran around town with this idea that the world wasn't a bad place. Unconditional love for another person existed. Your family was always going to be happy. Real problems never occurred. Poprocks were meant to be eaten for breakfast. If you lived life with the best intentions then here was really no way you'd ever get done dirty. Back then I used to be 85% optimistic and 15% bubbly as fuck up to the point that even I gave myself a headache being all in love with life and a bit naive.

its a trip. the sum of my experiences and the way I've responded to them that brought on this change. I sort of wish I could revert back cuz sometimes I fucking miss that girl. Resiliency is such a weird ass thing man cuz when the ball drops I never bounce back to where I originally was: sometimes it lands higher and sometimes much lower. Sometimes I gotta close my eyes and just hope Ill be happy with which ever place I land.

anywaysss. don't ask me what the fuck I've been writing about my shits way beyond ridiculous to the point that its like damn...no wonder fools be thinking I'm high all the time like I'm on some massive stoner trip when really I'm just like this normally. peace to the middle east love.

25. another year. If i was a black male I would of out lived the status-quo on life expectancy and therefore spent my night drinking henny, eating fried chicken, and celebrating life by throwing up my middle FINGER. Since I'm not i guess ill spend my birthday doing homework. fuck me. hahahahahaaha.

PURPOSEFUL SELF-SABOTAGE: THE MAKINGS OF A SPINSITER IN TRAINING

Okay so I got myself into a sticky situation that I honestly never should of been in in the first place, but alas I have shitty impulse issues up the freakin ying-yang and well....shit happened.

It's not that I regretted it cuz I mean it was good for what it was, but if the situation played out like it did for the last 5 months it would of never have ended cuz well lets see my last situation lasted for 4 years and the little ones in between that one went on for 1 to 2 years. Lets just say that I am that good at keeping people's interest level at an all time high.

But honestly shit had to end cuz im getting way to grown to be running my same game...So what do you do? Do I A) keep approaching it the same way hoping that it would fizzle naturally by its self?!? (sike...it never did even when both people agreed to it) or B) Do I on purpose act like a Crazy ass emotional bitch so the fool would stop talking to me?!!? yuppppp....who here thinks I went with option B? cuz well I did. I made an executive decision to act like i had a vagina. The insane thing is I knew how to do it to because I've had years of experience observing other girls being crazy. I was unnerved at the fact that I was pretty damn good at 1) bitching someone out and 2) acting like a needy ass biaaa.

I am, however, none of those things..thank you very much. Let's face it. I'm jaded as a muther fuckkka and I ownnn it. It works for me.

My reasoning for pulling this move is because honestly if i was a guy the only thing that would deter me from wanting something would be the combination of 1 and 2. No matter how attracted I am to a person if I knew that fool was crazy I'd be calling out NExxxxT faster than twista rapping about hoes and money.

The weird thing is...I never really felt bad or regretted self-sabotaging myself on purpose. Like do I apologize? or say something like Hey I acted like a nut job so that you'd stop talking to me and I was hoping that we'd just be friends eventually after you got over thinking I was a crazy when really I'm a pretty dope ass person. yeahh i dont think one can really bounce back from that one. haha. ohhshizzleeeeee. I mean i guess you do what you gotta do. It's probably for the best.

OVER ANALYZING MY CRAIGSLIST EMAIL for this dope spot cuz I'm craaaazy and I VANNNT THIS.

HI, My name is Reyna and I am very interested in your available room. I'm not sure if you're looking for another guy, but if thats the case then its no dice for me because I happen to be a 24 for year old asian (actually technical I'm pacific islander) female full-time nursing student. I know I'm not as fun as you guys, but I picked a profession that is super lame and honestly rather boring. My bad : / but I still hope you consider me. Rent will always be paid on time even though I'm unemployed (student loans and parents help out). The reason why I'm unemployed isn't because I'm a slacker, but because I work really weird hours at the hospital for clinical rotations. This also means most days I won't be home and Ill probably only be around during nights and weekends. Umm I don't ride bikes, but I'd love to…Im new to Portland and I guess cycling is a major phenomena in this city. I do drive a Prius because well Im from California and I lived in the suburbs where it'd take me a whole day to bike to my destinations (don't hate me please because someone once said it is a "hideous little icon of the hand-wringing, condescending environmental bigots"). I honestly agree with the whole view point on the prius, but I'm still running around town in one. Umm I love out door activities, but I just moved down to portland and went straight into my program when I got here so I haven't been out doing much. Which means if any of you cool folks have free time and need the company of a small asian while your hiking on a trail or two well then I'm your gal. I am drama free and a clean person (though not overly OCD) about anything, and I respect people's personal space.

the pros about LIVING with me:

- since I am a nursing student I frequently get drug tested, background checked, and my immunizations are up to date which MEANS I'm not a shifty druggy who may steal your stuff and sale it on ebay, I'm not a criminal, and when flu season rolls around I will not get you sick. In fact I am equipped at handling business and getting you on your way to a better health.

- I'm pretty much care free and laid back.

- I can't cook, but I can make a 7 course meal as long as theres a microwave involved. My finger is quick on the button. I also can slice, dice, and criss-cut vegetables if there are any vegans in the house.

cons: I'm quite clumsy sometimes and I have a weird sense of humor (a' la' zoey Deschanel but not as cute), which isn't really a con, but I felt like I had to put something down.

ATTN: EPIPHANIES. RANDOM DETOURS. MAKING IT RAIN ON SOME HOES.

Im not sure how it happened, but I lost my way back there somewhere. It's sort of like I woke up one day and randomly morphed into a disgruntled middle aged house-wife who is sick and tired of the same old thing, but too stuck in routine to ever do anything about it.

Quite possibly my mental health rotation is the best thing to ever happen to me. It was the final straw that broke this camels back and I was just like FUCK IT. fuck your mom. FUCK YOU. fuck your dog too. Thus I threw up both middle fingers to this so-called life and decided that shits about to change. pronto. stat. like NOWzzzzies. If i could say the word "NOW" in a multitude of various languages id be slamming those down too cuz it's JUST THAT SERIOUS.

If i wanted to be lame and seclude myself in a room all day I might as well just check into the psych ward so I can chill with all the other crazies who are involuntarily stuck in 5 X 6 walls. They just stare at their walls half of the time bored out of their minds and moments of their lives are preciously wasted. And though its not that Im wasting mine necessarily cuz I spend those hours studying and my days are rather goal-oriented apart of me is still like fuck. Umm so when Do I live again?

SO today I said EFF THIS. I rummaged around in my contact list and hit everybody up and their mom for a kick it session, and two folks responded. These two folks shall not be named, but lets just say they have never been to a Titty Bar. Thus after loading up on tons of fire water and greasy food I managed to talk them into going. Best Idea Ive had in a while. The whole experience was way too amusing. I never imagined Id be sitting around watching some girl pop her V at me with these two gangsters. ahahahahaha. It was random, awkward, funny, and so weird at the same time. I was just stuck in the moment while some girl was dropping it like its hot in front of me to a Willy Nelson song (PORTLAND YOU ARE STRANGE AS SHIZZ BY THE WAY). I wasn't worried about school, wasn't worried about crazy family thats gone more insane the past year, and wasn't worried that I may be doing shit all wrong. I honestly felt like I used to be when I was 18. Young. Naive. Rather STUPID. PRESENT LIVING cuz who cares about tomorrow. Now its not like I want to revert into the dumb teenager that I used to be, but I have to admit homegirl used to be super happy making bad decisions.

So I'm going to do a few things differently that will automatically result in me being in Awe of life and its little pleasures. I haven't come up with the plan necessarily, but Im in the process of doing so that revolves around DOING MORE, thinking less. A part of me hates that I'm way too analytical and I tend to be in my head all of the time. Especially now even more so.

old REYNA used to: dress like a legit human being, kayak, jump out of airplanes, go rafting, paint and sketch as a hobby, mob around downtown meeting random ass people who taught her a bunch of life lessons and changed her perspective, kick it at art museums when there was nothing better to do, go to dinners and movies by herself and never felt awkward about it, plan out random activities that usually involved firewater, and take impromptu 1 day mini road trips with no exact destination, etc..etc...etc...

new REYNA now: dresses like a hot mess, sits around doing a bunch of homework, goes to the gym, and sometimes cracks a few inappropriate jokes when she's feeling a bit gangster. Seriously the only time I ever draw is when I make sketches on my class notes out of boredom. Stick figures that are doing inappropriate things cuz even my imagination is at an all time low.

anyways. Long story short: I'm going to enjoy life. Im going to keep being ambitious. Im going to love a little. KEEP shizz weird and crazy. Also I'm going to start looking like a legit human being again- 1 day of the week I will not wear a poncho/sweat pants/a fucking muumuu.

memo-to-self: find a new place to live so I can move out that doesn't involve a living condition full of vegans or heroin addicts.

PEACE TO THE MIDDLE EAST AND IM OUT.

I said Bird, bird, BIrd...birds the fucking word

My Prius has been going on a bird massacre recently and its probably because my car is so stealthy as shit so the little critters don't hear my car creeping up on them as I'm busting 60 in a 45 mile zone. Im sorry but I AM NOT GOING TO SWERVE out of my way and crash my car so that they can fly away safely with their lives intact. I feel semi-bad because I think I've been running over Crows, which means I've been killing peoples' souls. I would much rather run over a bunch of ducks cuz honestly I fucking hate ducks. I have a mad phobia about them cuz theyre kind of the bitches of the bird kingdom. SWEAR TO ALLAH that every single time i used to go running past the pond at my old house they'd chase after me hella mean like with the determination to fuck my shit up. Which i mean was cool and all cuz that would make my ass run even faster, but I don't want to get bitten by one and get rabies. Rabies isn't a good look for anybody to rock. All that foaming of the mouth and potential death is just a hot fucking mess.

anyways. IF anyone sees flattened out birds on the road it was probably me who did it. Sorry it was unintentionally, but since my carbon foot print is minuscule cuz I am mobbin around town in a Prius I will be able to sleep peacefully at night.

out beeezzzzy.

i need a martha stewart in my life

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Don't ask me why I've thought about this but...

I'm pretty sure when people try to set me up on dates (which never works by the way cuz I'm like FUCK THAT...why would I want to spend a good night being even more weirder than i normally am? So I've never actually been on one) the conversation goes something like this:

amiga: "so I have a friend I want you to meet."

douchebag guy who doesnt know he's a douche yet: "ohh yea what is she like?"

amiga: "ohh she's very nice and sweet."

and Biassss we alll know what "she's very nice and sweet" really means.

its not that i have any major insecurities when it comes to physical looks, but I'm pretty certain thats how most of those conversations go because I have personality up the fucking YING-YANG, which probably outshine any physical qualities that I posses such as being asian, small chinky almond shape eyes, my ability to be fucking midget sized. OHHH YEAH I SERVE THAT PERSONALITY UP LIKE HOT CAKES MY FRIEND. Is it bad that I pretty sure that my most attractive quality is my weird personality? You want a conversation about ninjas. I got you. You want to talk about the many types of bacon and which one is superior. I got you. You wanna discuss which literary authors must of been on fucking crack when they wrote their book. I GOT YOU. or like what I've been pondering a lot lately: if i had a super power what would it be and once chosen what are it's limitations and downfalls. Like Take for Example, MR. Midas. Im pretty sure fucking Midas thought it would be a blast to be able to turn everything he touched into gold, but look HOME BOY FUCKED his shit up. Thats like an ultimate cock block power on his part. Like celibacy by GOLD.

though now that I think about it all girls are pretty insecure about somethings like I for instance if I had the in disposable funds I would get human growth hormones to grow a few inches more and throw some Ds on it like Little Kim so I can walk around in nothing but pasties like EvvErrry day. gangster shit. hood rat. ooOOORAHHH

Winning personality and a set of Ds = ultimate panty robber.

yup I SAID IT.

Instead of the conversation going playing out like the first scenario id be something like

douche bag guy: "soooo what is she like?"

amiga: "she has a really nice rack."

anyways. got a test today whats GOOOOOD with that nerd swagger?

over and out.

FUCKKKKKKKK ME.

no seriously

okay okay OKAY okay OKAY

half-joking

I'm trying to figure out if its just because my brain has been used to operating on stress that I constantly find myself procrastinating like a crazy bia. I mean even if I have like basically a 3 day weekend I will go as far as to stare at my bedroom walls for a good 5 hours to avoid doing anything productive. OH MY GOD. Am I personality type B? you know what I mean? or have I destroyed too many bloody brain cells to remember exactly what the definition of personality type B is.

I know for sure that personality type As are the anal-retentive-high-strung-bitch-you-need-to-CALM-THE-FUCK-DOWN-BEFORE-I-PUNCH-YOU-IN-YOUR-THROAT -control-freak-stop TIME-MANAGING-MY-SHIZZZ, which means that personality type B must be the mellow mofos who the As get mad at...unless there is a C and D and I'm just making shit up which may very well be the case.

fuck.

fuck

fuck

Anyways onto another train of thought. I need to do something crazy, random, and extremely weird like PRONTO. I'm bored with life. I also need to find a group of people willing to do awkward things in extremely awkward situations. The problem with moving around all the fucking time and being stuck in school is that I never get a moment to really explore and establish well like a group of friends outside of the program. Its weird cuz everyone here seems to originally be from Portland so they already have amigos they kick it with on the daily. It'd be strange to go up to someone and be like "HI I'm new in town. be my friend. better yet introduce me to all your other friends so we can all kick it and I can be your token asian yadda yadda yadda." Though now that I think about doesnt completely sound like that bad of an idea...maybe a bit borderline desperate, but not bad.

im not really sure where I'm going with this post cuz I'm being weird as fuck, but memo-to-self: make friends out side of school. Did i really just make a memo to stop being anti-social? fuck me. like seriously. the fuck?!?

TRIPPEN BALLS LATELY

word... I think thats an understatement actually.

im not sure what exactly it is that's making me feel antsy and a little bit anxious, but I think its a combination of things that semi-make me want to drop kick everything Im doing right now and become some peace loving tree hugging hippie with absolutely no ambition or plans.

maybe its a combination of things thats making me want to stop whatever I'm doing and pursue other interests: my new shitty family life, my mental rotation for this program, the fact that the sun is starting to come out in Portland, and etc...etc...etc...etc...

not that I'd actually do it cuz im like a billion dollars in debt right now for school. But I am willing, however, to make a compromise with myself: for every 5 days that I'm slaving away at this nerd shizz I will dedicate one whole day to do something completely insane or swoop up on some random ass hobby.

sooo at the top of my list for now: next weekend Im going to dabble in a little in-door rock climbing and maybe if I have spare time go explore the city a bit more.

oh and quick note-to-self: biaaa you need to start looking for a job like a legit human being. mkaaay thanks.